“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You Might Also Like
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close