Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family