Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: my friends:
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s