Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
You Might Also Like
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down