sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.