Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.