Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Spring of Deception
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907