Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper