Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
they really do be looking like this
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It do be feeling this way.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.