@RebelEll: Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
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@markydoodoo: Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
@phalguy: My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
@Mr_Kapowski: "Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?" Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me Me: But I'm tired of standing
@WalkingOutside: I let my baby girl know she can do anything. Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT'S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.