Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
never compromise your values