@RebelEll: Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
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@simoncholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
@markydoodoo: Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there's holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.