the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers