Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…