I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don鈥檛 count
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
There鈥檚 never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don鈥檛 own a tennis racket ….
her: I鈥檓 leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you鈥檙e obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won鈥檛 get away with this
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I鈥檝e learned that Canada ISN鈥橳 the only country that participates in curling.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American鈥檛 and I鈥檓 officially applying to move to Mars now
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.