“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.