Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m pretty like a car crash.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
good let them take over I have had enough
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.