@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
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@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@joeldanger: Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
@pseudofauxme: My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.