Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I have so many questions.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating