Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate