@TheMichaelRock: Hey chubby dudes rockin' tight polo shirts. Nope.
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@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
@FeralCrone: A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.