“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You Might Also Like
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.