Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT