“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
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Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me, reading some of your tweets
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!