Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Morning my dudes.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.