Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You Might Also Like
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.