Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead