Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it