Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS