“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
m’lady
God has abandoned us.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?