Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record