Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
BaD BoY!!
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.