Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*