Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
no their not
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton