Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Stop sending me this shit.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.