@nerdgirlcomedy: Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
@mattwhitlockPM: This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies." ...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.