@nerdgirlcomedy: Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."
@SamGrittner: Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
@iRowlf: Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
@AndyAsAdjective: Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn't see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.