Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
If only
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.