Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
good let them take over I have had enough
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.