I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.