@TySmithdrums: Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I'm about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren't working
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@Mr_Kapowski: [calls wife from store] "Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There's so many tampon choices"
@_SingleBabyMama: You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
@ConanOBrien: My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.