@Sickayduh: Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]
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@fridaycandy: I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love" but it's actually "floor" .
@whereami18: A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box* Husband: What the fu- Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM