*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.