Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
You Might Also Like
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..