Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Support your local cemetery
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now