Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: