Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.