Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
You Might Also Like
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
All is fair in drunk and war.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
shit, they caught us—run!!!