Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You Might Also Like
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.