I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
🤣😈🤣