*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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Autocorrect completely socks
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes