Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people