“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth