Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Grandmother clock.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun