Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?