Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Sign at work today
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods