Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity