Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
You Might Also Like
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
rise and shine we got egg
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
God has abandoned us.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.